monday moodboard

photos of my friday

da st8 ov da world

i was on the bus the other day sitting next to two girls who were gossiping about stuff and on instagram on their iphones lol childhood rlly is evolving

i heard them talking extremely negatively about another girl they kept calling her so fat and i was hella surprised to hear one say how she's always jiggling i just want to take a knife to her fat wowww :O how twisted!!!

it's disgusting how girl-hate is instilled in girls from so young that by the time we're older it seems too normal to try to unlearn:(( as well as body shaming omfg like even when someone tries to be bosypositive they are slammed for celebrating themselves they are called ugly and undesirable they are sidelined and by consequence SILENCED

i find this mesmerisingly beautiful

i've seen some quotes on tumblr that would go so well with this post but i cba to find them lol one was something about how girls haven't asked for the competition between us that we're expected to have and this upholds patriarchy which is very true and very vulgar i think it's a common tactic employed by those groups who dominate this world to somehow meddle with those beneath them in a way they can't see and that turns them against themselves/each other (lol r they the same thing?) so it looks like these people are the root of their own problems *endlessly sighs @ da st8 ov da world*

i'm a slow thinker

i was placed in some strange situations today like i just didn't know how to deal w them the first was just saddening n the second was hella confusing lol lemme hexplain

so i was in textiles n idk how the convo came about but basically i ended up talking to this girl about transgender people she kept saying she "can't tolerate them" and she can't imagine why you would not want to be what you are born as (i have SO much to say about that) it made me so upset she actually even said "people should be happy i can tolerate gay people and lesbians" cos i kept asking why why why and that tells me that rlly she doesn't accept them it's more like an attitude i've come across before like oh i'll say they're okay for the sake of equality (real actual words i've heard from a real actual "human") THIS IS SUCH A HUGE FUCKING PROBLEM I'M SO ANGRY AND UPSET THAT THE WORLD IS IN A POSITION WHERE PEOPLE'S PERSONAL EXPRESSION AND IDENTITY IS LABELLED AS WRONG BECAUSE IT DOESN'T FIT CONVENTIONAL IDEAS IT DOESN'T REFLECT WHAT THE MAJORITY "VALUES" A.K.A HAS GOTTEN USED TO HOW IS THIS OKAY THAT INDIVIDUAL PEOPLE WITH INDIVIDUAL WANTS AND CIRCUMSTANCES AND NEEDS AND EXPERIENCES ARE CONSTANTLY ABUSED IN THIS WORLD IT IS NOT FUCKING FAIR!!!!!! i really honestly tried to express and defend this but i was overwhelmed by my sadness and also shock because the conviction when she said tolerate was hurtful to me like imagine what actual transgender people must face ugh the pain they must feel so threatened and it's not understandable why don't people fucking step out of themselves and try to see that IT IS OKAY to let people JUST BE as and who they are?!???!??!!!? i just feel to scream and cry rn tbh and the worst thing is we were in the middle of a lesson and my teacher hates it when we talk cos we get distracted which makes sense but it's SO annoying cos our convos are always un-silly and she told me to be quiet JUST as i was coming around to try to explain to the girl why she was being ignorant and exactly what that means but yeah she said something so so bad like it didn't make sense to me at first cos of how she worded it then i understood and just felt to die she was like people have strong  opinions about everything you can't make them change their opinion cos it's their opinion just like how people have opinions about race ARE U DUMBBB SHE BASICALLY IS EXCUSING RACISM AND ALSO USING THAT TO JUSTIFY HER LACK OF HUMANITY OH MY GOD IS LIFE EVEN REAL??????? i tried telling her but opinions can be harmful BUT SHE WAS SPEAKING OVER ME AND IGNORING ME which is hard for me to deal with because not only is she disrespecting a whole group of unique individuals generally but me too on a personal level it kind of kicked my confidence because i'm rlly not a good arguer or debater or fighter i'm not usually confrontational but i can get very defensive it was already so hard for me to experience and i was talking softlybeing patient and common code of conversation she could not follow maybe she took it personally maybe she thought i was attacking her no i was trying to attack an ideology and as i did so i ffelt so responsible for changing the world and i felt to give up and basically i realised that i cannot i am a slow thinker on the spot yes but i will be the voice of the oppressed people of this world i will protect who i can how i can and effect a change because all oppression is connected so my own struggle is related to yours so if i'm fighting for me i'm also fighting for you (i feel so charged)

the other incident of my day was kind of minor in comparison but i feel too drained to write about it and it's also nearly 11.30pm lol so i'll just end this post with a poem i wrote on friday

PROLOGUE TO REVOLUTION: GETTING WOKE

a voice can dicTate

a visceRal respOnse

tO THe picture its

vibrations violently paint

an aroma can send you running

into a race for sovereignty like

a whiff of a treat inspires the starved

to steal JUST/ICE to eat

a face can RECREATE

a taste of PAST GLORY:

a delicacy, a memory so sweet

you almost wish you never ate

that touch will be

the tingle that FINALLY triggers

the explosion that

will set you FREE

candi

last saturday i went to the open day for city and islington which is where i rlly rlly rlly wanna go like i feel like my life will just be on the right track if i go there

i wore an outfit that i'm quite proud of lol it's so me :-)

afterwards i walked to the victoria miro gallery and viewed the exhibition nguva na nyoka which means sirens and serpents by wangechi mutu, a kenyan artist. most of the work was collage and wow they were all textured and eery and rich in colour i looked at them and wondered what they meant then concluded that wangechi mutu was telling me there is so much i don't know about this world and i won't ever be able to communicate with the creatures that do even though we are so connected, invisibly to us but knowingly to them cos they hold humans up and let us believe we are independent lol i try to think a lot when i see art cos i've started going to loads of exhibitions and it's so exciting i'd like to connect with the art/ist and feel like they've shared some knowledge about life with me :-) like there was a 17 minute film by and starring wangechi mutu that was mostly silent and it seemed like a commentary on human origin and behaviour and that there's patterns and processes for everything. there was a bit where she was dancing and it reminded me of me hehehe i like being able to identify with art i. e there was a piece of kitenge in one collage which is like a cloth to wrap around you i have so many and i always want more ha and there were cut outs of an east african wall hanging like the ones in my house and my aunties' houses you know i have to support my peopledem innit haha i felt so special and comfortable in that gallery space

 these pics are from the victoria miro website btw

the above was my favourite collage

the below shows a sculpture that is so scary when you first see it cos of the scale its so long and the darkness of the upstairs room prevents you from knowing what it is, then you see the serenity on the pretty cornrowed creature's face and it's so fucking moving

after the gallery i walked thru the wind to get the one bus that would take me home. i had to be quick cos nobody knew i had gone to the gallery!!! hahaha i've become so daring like that and i enjoy it, this secret (time) with myself it's an indulgence i'm getting used to. i had been taking pictures the whole day buut the best ones were taken in the alleyway near my flats i think cos i hadn't been down it in so long the beauty of the scenery there was just so much i had to preserve it

big tings

my dad told me not to wear 'a short short' skirt today unless i had a 'long jacket' over it lmao silly guy

i was going with my familyfriend to her school's open evening and he tried tell me i've been going out too much which is just stupid cos a) all i've been going to is open days and b) why would i even want to stay home all day every day cha it's too much for my head (everything is atm tbh)

anyway the school really impressed me man the history department was just soo on point like they're thinking of teaching african kingdoms 1400-1800 next year and it's the first time this course will be taught in the country omfg this is HUMUNGOUS M8, MAHOOOSIVE arrrgghhhh i love history so much i think i'm gonna do a history degree at uni, maybe with english too cos that's a beautiful subject which also seems fabulous at my friendcousin's school

i've just just finished writing my current history essay and it made me exhausted wow but i'm extremely proud of myself man i tried v v hard to be organised about it and write something great so hopefully my mark reflects that but i'd rlly like some constructive feedback still cos i acc feel unsure about my essay writing like i'll say what i want to and think it's fine but then mark schemes and examiners think differently lolol

in p.e this morning i played basketball and i was surprisingly good in terms of my scoring and i actually enjoyed the game even though my playing skills were not as refined as most other people's like my team one and i contributed significantly to that hahaha :-) joyful joyful

oh and the best bit of my day was my soulmate's reception of a poem i wrote hehe she showed some of our friends and it was crazy how they loved it so much lmao i'm still gassed ahhh my friends are the best part of school

wonderfull

my monday has been very literally wonderfull and awesome. i took ages to get out of bed, partly cos i was mesmerised by 3 small blinking balls in my sky that were maybe stars maybe planets. i tried to take a picture but they didn't show. my day started well and with minimal revision for my english exam, special k with soya milk and a bit of tumblr. when i left home i saw the moon embedded in the bright blue above my head and got the train to school. i got off and saw a girl and a boy i know, smiled said good morning and thought to walk with them when i awkwardly realised they weren't really talking to me and just carried on my way. it felt very american-coming-of-age-film lool. approaching the gates i saw one of my friends and her dilemma of the day at 8.30am was that she'd forgotten her favourite pen in which her examconfidence lived poor thing.

very strongly and deeply i feel that my english writing exam was beautifully executed this morning. the first question was to write an agony-aunt-type letter which was nice cos i'm good at giving advice but challenging cos the scenario was difficult to respond to in a way i think i was expected to but even this was vague. the second question was a choice   between descriptive, narrative and argumentative/discursive. i chose the latter in the form of would you enjoy being one of the following: a teacher, a police officer or a doctor? out of 6 questions it most urgently resonated with me so i responded with vigorous passion. i hope whichever examiner is blessed with my paper to mark is receptive enough to acknowledge my love for english and grade me with a mark to reflect that. whatever happens though i am so proud of my effort today.

above are some pics i secretly snapped in textiles after lunchtime of a palette, paintbrushes and a water pot. orange is one of my favourite colours.

i used to think i was the strangest person in the world but then i thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways i do. i would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me too. well, i hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it's true i'm here, and i'm just as strange as you. FRIDA KAHLO.

lunchtime was a big big madness. i sat with my friends and i don't know how the discussion got so deep cos we started off crying and falling off tables and chairs with laughter recounting funny stories then my soulmate started reading and explaining in simple terms some of her poetry (http://wordednudity.wordpress.com) and we clicked and wooed for her which was fun. we got into deep discussions about the state of the world and how we feel about stuff whichwas relieving cos we learnt how shared our frustration is.

there's been a few shit parts of my day but i'm really okay. after school i went to the library with my soulmate and we helped each other out with work and talked about life on a more personal level than our discussion earlier. i love her so much man. we connect on a level that could be scary but i just embrace it. i also just bought her birthday present on society 6 for her birthday in 2 months (free shipping 2night only!!!). i'm so sure the universe guided me to that website for that reason cos i don't like spending £££ even when i have. i'm stingy like that.

DID YOU KNOW THAT (apparently) the american gov. in the early 2000s trained people in afghanistan to a c.i.a level to spy on and torture their own people which is just manipulative cos then america went in and declared a fucking war on terror (for resources????!???!) kmt i don't remember exactly what my friends told ne but it was something like this

today has been positively productive educationally regarding school life but most importantly my personal life. i feel enriched. i hope my dreams reflect that tonight. i need to rest well cos 11th november is always a conflicting day for me...

THE REVOLUTION WILL NOT BE TELEVISED!!!

i started volunteering at a charity shop in stoke newington around the beginning of september and i do all day every sunday. afterwards today i walked up to the dalston beyond retro and tried on jeans that themselves were fabulous but didn't fit me right. i don't own any jeans atm lol what is my life. anyway so my unsuccessful shop resulted in a successful find in a free magazine called beat that was piled on the floor by the door on my way out with other leafletty things. it was a poster for supreme the brand of a male model posed in front of some grafitti of gil scott-heron's face and words THE REVOLUTION WILL NOT BE TELEVISED. it was beautiful. i think maybe the universe only guided me to that shop for that poster because now it's cellotaped to my wardrobe door above a bought piece of art by aboudia (£6, saatchi gallery).

i feel so alone on a friday night

my english reading exam was quite alright today. i had fun doing the question on writer's effects but not a lot of time. i feel confident about it all though. i'm hoping to fucking smash the writing exam on monday morning even more. :-)

school felt so pointless after the exam i just wanted to go home. me and my friends spent our breaks dancing to hip hop and reggae, it was so fun and relaxing i love them man.

after school i went on a date with 2 of my best friends to this tea room in palmer's green that we passed on the bus one day and said would be nice to go to. i bought a nice hot chocolate and choc fudge cake which was just nasty it didn't even taste of chocol8 lmao. the waiter put some lovely cream and sprinkled something else chocolatey like a powder next to it tho. that was sweet.  the interior of the place was so beautiful and warm: brick walls, wooden tables, art on the walls ahhh i want to revise there when exams come.

my girls and i has the most interesting discussion we were talking about ourselves like how we've developed and about life and the world and our parents' expectations and our futures and THE UNPREDICTABILITY OF LIFE!!! it got so deep like we were basically thinking aloud like we barely looked into each other's eyes (but when we did i knew they were listening and they are my true friends and they respect me)

i've been thinking a lot about respect this week. despite what google says i've decided that respect is the recognition of a person's basic right to be treated with decency and compassion too sometimes. like this morning a girl i used to speak to a lot was walking into school with her friend but still said hi to me. it made me smile so much cos it was such a nice unexpected gesture. so nice. and when i was omw home from the tearoom at the bus stop a guy asked me if i wanted to sit down on the bench and he made space for me which was just so lovely cos i never asked him he just read my body language and i wasn't even facing him. so nice. i love the feeling of being respected and i treasure it a lot which is sad cos it shows the unfortunate rarity of respect in this world. :-(

i titled my post what i titled my post cos since i've been home that's basically how i feel. my parents have been annoying me and i have loads of school work and i'm so tired and i cried a couple times a bit earlier but idk what upset me??? i rlly don't know. probs just the feeling of my whole future pressing on my head. i didn't want to cry any more so i started writing this.

10pm on the dot now.

10.25pm

i'm feeling rlly weird rn so sensitive i'm thinking about school a lot and it's not been the best place to be lately, i've grown to hate it tbh it makes me so agitated and angry like i snapped at my english teacher the other day in front of the whole class O.o i'm just annoyed cos the situation itself was soo ridiculous but moreso cos i don't remember getting that angry that quickly in front of people before :/:/:/ especially at school oh lard it was horrid

i have an english language exam tomorrow morning then one on monday (plus a whole other shitload of work and revision kmt the inconvenience!!!) so either in between or after all this nonsensically 'important' nonsense i'll make some time to write about the ideas in my head and the cool kinda reckless things i'm up to these days lol :):):)

i've lightened my own mood haha i might make some hot chocolate and read mister pip (for english) if i can't sleep soon enough

10.37pm now xx

GUESS WHO'S BACK BACK BACK!!!!

wow this is weird and also v v exciting omg i think i'm going to start blogging again!!! my life is so interesting at the moment cos i'm experiencing so many new things. i'm 16 now so the world views me differently. i've got to document this. :-)