REBORN ROSE: August 2013

i've been watching a lot of al jazeera lately. it's now my favourite tv channel because every show features important, informative topics and sheds light on things that a lot of people seem unaware of or unwilling to speak about. today i watched a sad but hopeful programme about a single mother to a 7 year old girl and 5 year old boy in i think china who has stomach cancer. she struggled with motherhood and selling little red bean pie things on a street stall to earn money and the negative side effects of her anti-cancer treatment. it was hard to watch because she kept crying but so wished to appear strong and beautiful for her children. one particularly heartbreaking scene was when it became really hard for her to eat soup so her little daughter fed her then the whole family started crying. the daughter was beautiful, she looked after her brother and did chores independently to make her mum happy. i felt ashamed because i do chores only when it's necessary.

anyway, i seem to have become more aware of some of the horrid things happening in the world, like all the wars and lies and injustices. i want to change and stop it all. that seems impossible but i want to start by focusing on one thing that's maybe close to home, like something i can do or help with in london. my thoughts are tangled necklaces that i don't know how to separate, but rather than trying to figure out how to, i'm just stressing about it. i feel like i've been exposed to too much too soon which is why it's so hard to process anything.

hopefully my teenage frustration will somehow, someday evolve into passionate creative energy used for the benefit of humanity. i live in a world i'm generally not that happy with so it's my duty to change it. i just need to remember to be patient with myself.

the other day my cousin marilyn called and asked if i wanted to go out on thursday afternoon. i answered in the affirmative of course because i need to get out more often lol, then yesterday she came to get me at about 2pm. the only solid plan we had was to go and eat at 'the breakfast club' just off liverpool street at around 5.30pm.

first we walked to a nail salon near my house and talked about why i didn't like my holiday to blackpool. marilyn repainted her acrylics, she went from nude to red and it looks lovely with her dark skin. it was my first time doing my nails i think and i painted them green lol. it's so cool and weird because they are so luminous in daylight but at night or inside they look more subtle. i didn't quite like doing my nails, partly because i'm really impatient, but it was a nice experience i guess. we half ran back home because it randomly started chucking down with rain then got in marilyn's mercedes and drove to hackney. we listened to lbc radio on the way and i love that marilyn turned the volume down to listen to me talk about why i don't like watching the news because it creates negative stereotypes and is generally quite depressing. we talked about languages and culture and we both wish we spoke my mum's language. marilyn actually used to when she was little, like fluently, then when she was about 5 she decided english only was the best way forward lol. we parked the car outside her friend-who-is-on-holiday's house, then walked down the quiet streets to a bus stop. we watched a lady pacing and arguing into her phone and talked about stars and lots of other cool stuff that i now can't remember. the bus stop was outside a cutesy cafe called elbows and there was a mum and a dad and a toddler sitting at one of the 3 little tables which all had yellow flowers in white vases. the bus eventually came and the angry lady was still shouting. we got to mile end or somewhere near it where there was a vintage shop but marilyn decided she didn't like it before we even got there ha. she asked if i wanted to check out beyond retro and of course i did because it's one of my most favourite shops! so we got the underground one stop then walked for about 100 hours down bethnal green road, which is longer than it needs to be. there were loads of chicken and chip shops and a market took up half of the pavement. trying to navigate around all the people and their buggies was annoying but we made it. at the other end of the road we went into a newsagents. marilyn bought me flavoured water and a chocolate bar. then we went into a vintage shop where i nearly tripped over like twice. there was a typewriter and brooches and lots of fab trinkets and furniture and stuff. it was quiet and the shopkeeper was looking at me like i had done something wrong so we walked out lol. across the road was a funky looking shop with weird colourful party stuff in the windows but we didn't go in.

somehow we waltzed into brick lane and i didn't even know. there were so many cool people who looked like they each had a story to tell. we saw americans talking about a t.v show outside a cafe and a black man on a bike wearing pink and gold and some funky headgear. i saw a really cool shop and decided i wanted to check it out. me and marilyn decided the shop was a collection of our thoughts that day, we saw so many things we had been talking about, for example there were egyptian wall hangings and we had been talking about egypt before. being the clumsy clutz i am i kept bumping into things lol. we found a daphne du maurier book and inside was a note from a person called marilyn. my marilyn has a sister called daphine!! we laughed so much ha. we walked all around the top floor. there were typewriters, record players and records, figurines, photographs, furniture, dresses and jewellery - basically everything. downstairs was practically a library. there were new books with glossy pages and old books which were falling apart, all piled everywhere. it smelled of paper and was so delicately quiet. i picked up 6 books and that shop gained £19 from me yesterday. we went to another shop and admired all the pleated summery skirts and the patterns on the clothes. next we went to beyond retro and probably spent over an hour in there in complete awe of all the wonderful garments and fabulously styled mannequins. i saw a really tall guy wearing jean shorts and galaxy leggings, it was so cool. they played such an eclectic range of music and it was perfect. a shop assistant with a gold hoop pierced in like the middle-y under bit of his nose complimented my bag, which went nicely with my outfit but was not my favourite part of it, then at the till he let marilyn buy a brooch for £1 when all the others were £2. that's all we spent in there lol but beyond retro made me so happy. me and marilyn took the cheesiest picture of us doing peace signs in front of a graffitied shutter so we could show off our nails. i'm not photogenic but it was nice i guess.

without the help of marilyn's iphone map thing we would never have found ourselves at the breakfast club yesterday evening. halfway on our walk there i mentioned our cousin eunice, who works at all saints just up the road from where we were standing. marilyn then called eunice and asked if she wanted to come to dinner with us and it was lovely because she had literally just finished work!! by the time me and marilyn had finished marvelling at how perfectly coincidental our unplanned adventure over london had been, we arrived at the yellow door of the breakfast club. as we waited to be seated i looked at the pictures on the sides. we asked for a table for 3 and got put at the end of a bench that seats 6. 3 other ladies came later on and sat next to us but it wasn't at all awkward. marilyn left me alone for a little bit while she went to collect eunice so i had time to look through the menu. i got so nervous because i was by myself in the middle of a restaurant filled with chatty business people and adults and i couldn't find anything that i might have liked omg. but then i saw a bbq chicken and bacon and cheese sandwich. i don't like cheese so i asked if i could get the sandwich without any. i also got hot chocolate. marilyn got a latte and eggs benedict. eunice got sausage and mash and tea. we waited a while but talked to fill the time. i found out that marilyn would like to do mental health nursing (she now works 12 hour shifts for the ambulance, answering calls and directing ambulance) and eunice, who works in human resources, would like to go into schools and do talks about some sort of business thing. i suggested she come to my school, which she used to go to. eunice is also going on holiday next week to turkey with her boyfriend and she wants to do scuba diving and eat lamb. my hot chocolate didn't need marshmallows or sugar, it was lovely as it is, but i finished it too quickly lol. my food was so so so so filling and possibly the most delicious thing i've had in forever?!?! i love the breakfast club and i need to go back. maybe for breakfast because they're open all day. at some point during our meal the lights dimmed down and they started playing the music louder. they played millionaire by kelis which makes me think of when i was little. the breakfast club is such a quirky little place. there's this random white fridge right, but if you walk through it it takes you downstairs!! to a bar!!! how amazing is that?? there were a couple of old tvs in the place that were off and they looked like microwaves lol, one was orange. there was a disco ball and hanging lights at the bar and a pink and blue neon sign on a wall, i really liked it. our waitress gave us the bill in an old cassette case, which is such a cute idea. she accidentally knocked a little jar of milk on marilyn and eunice when she was collecting our plates. they were very annoyed at that but also that she didn't offer a discount or any freebies. marilyn took a picture of the soggy milky receipt and said she's going to write a letter of complaint. i wouldn't if i were her, but maybe that's because i saw the waitress' shaking hands as she tried to put marilyn's card in the machine and how nervous she was, apologising and rushing away too quickly. i think eunice ended up paying for me.

we probably spent like 2 hours in the restaurant. at like 8 something we got a bus from liverpool street to hackney and walked for ages to the car with eunice then we drove her home. i remember the moon looking nice. we went up with her and sat for maybe 2 hours more, talking with eunice and her sister, and i drank hot water because i was still really full. when their mum got back from the gym she was so shocked and happy to see us, it was a lovely reaction haha. after big brother finished marilyn drove me back home, it took maybe 20 minutes. it was pitch black but still cool and breezy. marilyn signed some sort of passport thing for me and my brothers while i sat in my room talking to my school friend on twitter. it was a really great conversation and a beautiful end to my beautiful day. i'm still so :-) so :-) so :-) so happy.